Saturday, November 18, 2006

Like Sands Through the Hourglass

Well, I suppose this is pretty obvious, but Print Is Dead is no more. One of the authors (Adam) has started a new blog called Yelling Louder which is similar in execution but covering the subject matter of sports. If you liked Print is Dead you should definitely check out Yelling Louder. I'm serious, read Yelling Louder. Thanks for reading and on behalf of Corey, USA, Einstein, EtaPi, Phantom, and all the rest, I bid you farewell.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


I suppose I could make an excuse for why we have been unable to publish recently. But I won't. Its just been a busy time. It ok, we have something for you now.

HomersFemaleVision writes:

So I went to a career fair today. I didn’t actually mean to, I sort of just started following this guy I thought I knew, and the next thing I knew I was in this room full of tables and three fold boards. For a while I thought it was a science fair, but then this person glared at me when I said her exhibit was cute, and I realized she wasn’t young, just short. SO I started sort of wandering around. I’d lost my friend at that point (I don’t really think I knew him anyway, I just cought sight of a dred and started following) and you know what, I’ve had an epiphany. I mean, poetry’s my life right? It’s the only way I know to express myself. But I mean, I’m not gonna make money with it. Unless I got a job at hallmark, but I don’t think I have the grades for it. So anyway, unless I can find some rich guy to marry, I guess I’ll have to support myself somehow. And now I know how to do that. I’m going to be a dentist. I’ll tell you more about it later, but here’s some poetry I wrote about my decision:


Used to be lonely and lost
A proverbial poor guy
My art wouldn’t make coins
I was a wash; I can’t lie

But now I have a plan
That will surely pay the rent
Will make so much easy money
Will be awesome to every extent

I jumped high in the air
To have a goal in my life
Get to bore teeth with drills
Get to cut gums with a knife

I wouldn’t do retainers
I wouldn’t do braces
That’s orthodontists
Who help make nice faces

Instead I would work
In the lap of luxury
With a recliner for my clients
And a sweet consultation fee

I’d have gossipy hygienists
Who would do the grunt job
And I could rub my DDS
In their faces as they sob

I could spend relaxing days
Staring at x-rays of jaws
Thinking about gum disease
And the tartar plaque will soon cause

Then there’s always gingivitis
And infamous tooth decay
And there’s always discoloration
Which’ll plague us all some retched day

I mean sure there’s a down side
Like bad chronic halitosis
but what profession’s perfect?
To think otherwise’s precocious

So I’ve made up my mind
This is what I want to be
Three letters decide my fate
Next stop, D.A.T.


The dental profession really needs a poetlauriate.


Wednesday, October 12, 2005

My Mind Is Blown

Corey remains one of the only authors we have who seems to take his job seriously. And, of course, by job I mean unpaid authorship of articles which net nearly 30 readers per day. This brings me to my next point if you think Print is Dead is awesome, tell people about it. Then more people will read it. Then it will be easier to convince people to write more often for it. Then you'll get more entries. Then you'll be happier. Then you'll be more successful. In any event, Corey is here.

NewFoundCorey writes:

Yo yo. I know I complained about my roommate last time, but let me tell you something: He's totally sweet sometimes. You see sometimes in high school, I was limited in my musical aptitude to songs of the punkish persuasion. Now I have totally expanded my horizons and learned to love not only punk but also jam bands. The best part about the transition from punk to jam bands is that both kinds of music sound like they're making it up as they go along. Think about it. All punk music is just the same chords with songs about how the government sucks or about how my last girlfriend was totallly lame. All Jam band music is just guys playing their instuments in D major over and over and over again. Its Awesome!!! The best Jam Band I heard so far is the Dave Matthew's Band.

Here's my favorite song of theirs so far. Its called "American Baby", and its off the CD "Stand Up". I'm pretty sure that's the Dave Matthew's Band's first CD.

American Baby
If these walls came crumblin' down
Fell so hard, to make us lose our faith
From what's left you'd figure it out
Still make lemonade taste like a sunny day

Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you
Stay, American baby
American baby

Nobody's laughing now
God's grace lost and the devil is proud
But I've been walking for a thousand miles
One last time, I could see you smile

I (I) hold (hold) on (on) to you
You bring me hope, I'll see you soon
And if I don't see you
I'm afraid we've lost the way

Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you
Stay, American baby
American baby

I (I) hold (hold) on (on) to you
You lift me up and always will
I see you in life
Hope I don't get left behind

I (I) hold (hold) on (on) to you
You bring me hope, I'll see you soon
And if I don't see you
I'm afraid we've lost the way

Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you
Stay, American baby
I hope you
Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you
Stay, American baby
American baby
Nobody's laughing now
But you could always make me laugh out loud

Man, isn't that awesome. It makes me want to learn how to play the
guitar and get laid. If anyone out there knows how to do either of those
things, drop me a line at By the way, gmail
is the shit.

Outta Here,

Hmmm. Corey has taken a new life path. Good for him


Friday, October 07, 2005

"Crayola" and other works

Print is Dead's local poet is back in action. This time her foil is something not nearly as pervasive as the greek system. Nevertheless, it is still profound.

HomersFemaleVision writes:

So as it turns out, school has been a lot busier than I thought it would be. I had a meeting with my advisor a couple weeks ago and she kept hounding me for not being involved enough. I kept telling her that artists aren’t supposed to be involved, but I started talking to some of my friends to find out what they belonged to, just to get her off my back. Well my one friend had just joined this club called “NORMAL,” and the way he described it, well it sounded pretty cool, you know, anti-establishment and whatnot. I dunno though, I went to a couple meetings, and they just expected WAY too much of their members. Good grief, they wanted me to go out and walk around with a bunch of picket signs for some reason or another ON TOP of bi-weekly meetings?! Well I just figured that was way too structured for someone like me, so I quit. They smelled funny anyway.

But thanks to all that junk as well as my super lame courses I haven’t had much time to write. I managed to squeeze it in today. It just came to me, I was lying on my bed listening to some dashboard and, you know, thinking, when I noticed my roomate’s magnetic poetry stuff (this may be the one and only thing this sheep brought to our room that has any worth whatsoever) and inspiration struck. At first I was ticked ‘cause a bunch of the pieces fell under the mini-fridge, but you know what, I think it really adds something to the poem. Especially when I realized how the poem’s totally about childhood, so you know, the fact that things aren’t spelled exactly right is meaningful. Anyway, here it is:


he played house
their in the green
and she went too
with a want

look back
you re mum
is good to me
march cat to school

saw teacher bubble
scream fish

more game s this very red bed

Also, now that I'm thinking of crayons, here's a haiku:

Burnt Sienna

The biggest question:
Why's violet also (purple)?
Razzmatazz sucks balls.

That's it I guess. Its definitely enough work for me.


Pulitzer, Nobel, Caldecott, Grammy.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Single Stallion Rides Again

Some of our newer readers may not remember my cousin. She posted a couple of things here in the first month or so the blog was up. Sorry, actually two of her pets posted the things. Well after a long period of hibernation it looks like Autumn has awoken some more of her live in guests. To truly get a handle on my cousin I suggest you look at her first two, I mean her pets' first two entries here and here. And now get ready for 300 words of madness from a talking horse named Single Stallion:

Single Stallion "writes":

Hellooooo there. This is Single Stallion. I'm lucky enough to live with the best lady in the whole world, Mommy. Mommy is good at everything she does, like rubbing my neck and stroking my tail. She's actually very good at stroking and I wish more people knew about it. Of course, to a young virile horse like myself, the most important thing about Mommy is that she's such a good rider. Mommy is the best rider I've ever had, and I've had quite a few.

There are lots of things that go into making a good rider and mommy is good at all of them. First of all she'll let you know when you're doing good. Mommy talks to me when we're riding all the time, telling me what to do or sometimes just making noises because she's having such a good time. The other thing mommy does that I like a lot is squeeze with her legs to let me know when to speed up or right when we're about to finish riding and pull back into the stable.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking that a lot of people can do that. And you're right, but what impresses me, the Single Stallion, the most about Mommy is how well she can change positions while riding. Not only is changing positions fun for Mommy, its also fun for me. Mommy will go side saddle, backwards, handstand, she'll ride under me, sometimes she'll even ride 69. Like I said the important thing is that she can switch positions while riding. Any good Stallion should know how much fun it can be to have a rider who can switch positions during the ride. Some Stallions of course don't appreciate that older riders who have more experience are able to give them these kinds of benefits. And I'm not just talking about position changing, I'm talking about real love, real affection, respect, and an understanding and sympathetic ear. No, why would you want that out of a rider when there's a rider who's a model, or an actress, or some college undergrad. You are her professor you asshole, don't think too highly of yourself, and by the way I'm over you. Of course the fact that Mommy is so beautiful and single makes her even that much more desireable.

Well that's all for now from Single Stallion. While I sure would get a little jealous if Mommy started riding some other people, I think it would make her happy and finally allow that built up ball of tension that has been sitting inside of her ever since that bastard Dr. Tom decided that he liked veal better than steak.

Thanks for the whispers,

Single Stallion

That's funny, I thought the pet hierarchy went Dog-->Cat-->Mouse. Looks like my cousin skipped over a few steps. Goodbye for now, enjoy the last day of September and the beginning of October.